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12 Dec 2018
Posted by
ACME Hotel Company

Acme's Guide for Surviving Holiday Visitors

We've all got 'em, and we all love 'em... Keep it that way with these handy holiday tips!


Tip 1:

Anticipate their needs! Fact is, if they're from out of town they WILL insist on standing on line in the freezing cold for a tub of Garrett's Chicago mix, I mean, who wouldn't, it's delicious. Buy the Garrett's before they arrive! Buy 3 tubs (one for here, one for home, one for you!), You'll save yourself about 60 minutes of sheer agony standing in the cold!

Tip 2:

If your daughter is bringing home the boyfriend, make up the living room sofa. Not the basement, the living room. One floor apart is much easier to monitor. Nothing good ever goes down in a basement!

Tip 3:

Make the hubby give up his barka-lounger for the week. Nothing says WE WANT YOU HERE more than inviting a guest to get comfortable in your coveted spot! Besides, your guest will likely fall asleep a quarter of the way through "It's a wonderful life", giving you an opportunity to sneak off for some alone time!

Tip 4:

Air out the mothballs and replace the batteries in those hideous light-up holiday sweaters they gifted you last year and wear them proudly. Better yet, have them on when they arrive. This will take the guess-work out of it and keep them from secretly resenting you and whispering behind closed doors, "I wonder if they ever wear those lovely sweaters we gave them last year?, They didn't send pictures. Did they send pictures?", "I didn't see pictures". Consider it a pre-emptive peacekeeper!

Tip 5:

Fashion a personal mini-bar in your master bedroom. This way, you'll have a place for a quiet drink at the end of the day. After all, how many ways can you tell them you're just not ready for kids? . . . In fact, create a mini-bar in the guest room too. This gives them the incentive to turn in early!

Tip 6:

Convince them that the best way to build a relationship with their Grand-dog is to take him on walks 4 times per day. After all, your Dad's Doctor says he needs more cardio. It's a win-winwin!

Tip 7:

Upload vintage games like gin rummy on your iPad and make it available for their use. But by all means hide all your other stuff. You don't need the P's tumbling into your dating profile and messaging prospects on your behalf!

Tip 8:

Put them up in a hotel.